I hope everyone is doing well. I've been doing quite well myself for the last month or so. The retreat by myself to my vacant home really did wonders for me. Just 4 little days all by myself renewed me so much! I came home and started taking Vit B and Omega 3 and I have had more energy than I've had since I lost my precious son. While there I wrote a long poem to my son. Writing to my son helped to say goodbye in a way. I did have a crying spell last night and this morning, though. He loved life so - always had a smile, always caring and always funny. I knew he loved me so much, too, which is very comforting but painful now because I miss him so. We did tell each other how much we loved each other often. I miss our evening calls to each other so much. I would look forward to talking to him and it always gave me a little jolt of excitment during the work day knowing we would probably talk that evening. Those jolts of excitment are taking a long time to subside because I still get them although now they are fewer and farther apart now. When I get this feeling I quickly realize the reason for this excitment is no longer possible.
For a month now, it has been easier to deal with the challenges I have with my father, It was a nice break, until yesterday
I won't bore you with all the details but I had to walk away from a project we were doing together yesterday because he would question my procedure for putting together these hygiene kits for the recent storm victims. I was collecting items from our neighborhood. Then, later on that day we went to pick up food to take to my grand-daughter's birthday party and he walked in the restaurant after I went in to pick up the food.My cell phone had rang so he brought it to me (which was fine). As I was figuring out the tip, he's right there observing what I'm doing and his very obvious expression showed he didn't like what I did. I said do you have a problem with my tip? He said he thought it was too high. I moved the receipt next to him and said: You decide what "my" tip should be. I was quite irritated. He proceeded to scratch out "my" tip and write what he thought it should be, which was half of what I put. I just turned around and walked out to my car. See what I mean? Everything I do, he questions. It gets intolerable, at times. He has a need, for whatever reason, to tell me how he would do it thereby implying I am wrong and he is very vocal about it. He is obviously unaware he destroys my spirit. It is a crying shame. I have to avoid being around him to spare myself his domineering way. Also, I feel I am loosing my Mom bit by bit because she is more and more into herself. It's like her mind is closing off very, very slowly. It's no wonder with Dad so domineering. I've tried to tell Dad that Mom should be checked out but he just stares at me because he never thinks anything I do or say is right. A couple year's ago Mom complained of a pain in her stomach. Right now, I can't remember if this happened before of after my son passed away. Anyway, it went on for 5 days. I keep saying to Dad as I was taking off for work that she needed medical care. He would just stare at me. Finally, on the 5th day, a Sunday, I said Mom, I am taking you to the emergency room. She had to have emergency surgery a few hours later. She had peritonitis from a tear they could never find (the surgeon suspected it was the aspirin she was taking every day). She almost died.
I think another trip to my vacant home with my blowup bed is in order real soon.
I hope you all have a great weekend.
[This message has been edited by givemestrength (edited 09-14-2005).]