Yep, there really is no one who really is interested enough to care or have a clue how hard it is for us. They are too busy having a life with their own family and friends. It's so disappointing. I really feel for all of us. Are we too weak to stand up for ourselves? Perhaps this is true. Are we too caring and that is why we do what we do - to our detriment?
At least we are helping our parents in some way or many ways. I'm fortunate that my parents are in good health but I am going insane.
I did lose it tonight. I realized just a few minutes ago why I had a hard time as a child. I acted out in unhealthly ways at times. Now I know why. My Dad is unrelenting. I grew up without recognition for anything. It was always a one-way conversation of how I could do better or whatever. No praise. No nothing but instructions. No wonder I acted out - it would only be natural. I overcame it after I left home but not without a struggle and now it's back again after 35 year!
I told my Dad I cannot do anything that I had planned regarding selling MY home because he found fault with the selling price, the contract, the wording, and so on. I told him it is impossible for me to act on anything b/c he always finds fault with something. He said I just want to give you my EXPERT opinion. It is more than an expert opinion really b/c he goes on and on and on. He wants his advice taken. For goodness sakes he insisted the price should be raise $10,000 more than what the realtor recommended and the homes are not moving fast here at all. I asked him if he was prepared to pay for the mortgage for 6 months as I said I wasn't. He said yes, yes he was. Then I said I'm done and you can sell the house. I didn't know what else to do b/c he feels he is right. Maybe that will wake him up to not be so intense and pushy. I walked away and he said no he couldn't do that and I said even louder, I done. Now I sit in my bedroom, the one place in MY HOME I have away from his constant overseeing of me. Even his letters to his cousins are about me and me and me. It is way too out of control.
I think I will pack a bag and go to my rental property to get away for a few days. There is some furniture there and I could just chill and think.
All this week my heart feels like it weights a ton. It is actually aching in my chest. Losing my aunt open up the deep, deep pain I had so neatly tucked away after two years. I'm always in pain from grief but the deep, deep bad pain seeps into the deep recesses of your brain and disappears for a while waiting for an opportunity to emerge again. I remember telling my grief counselor my heart ached so badly. Now, I feel that aching again. I think what makes it worse is there was no funeral, no memorial - well they did have a celebration of life tonight but my aunt instructed no out-of-town guests (she didn't want anyone to spend the money). Not even her sister whom she wrote emails to everyday came. I can't stand this b/c its just being shoved under the rug like they did with my son. We should be there with her kids and all. It doesn't seem normal to me. I mean I'm hurting, and my Dad is busy giving me advice I never asked for everytime I turn around.
I pray for Grace my dear Lord, for that wonderful quality. I so long to have it as the strongest part of me. I am reading a book on grace and loss. It should be a must read. It is called "A Grace Disguised" by Gerald Sittser. It is a short book and tells of a man's journey after a tragedy in his family. Beautifully written. He said he didn't enter the darkness of pain and emerge on the other side but rather went into the darkness (pain) and grew in grace with the pain all around him. I haven't finished it yet but it is meaningful to me.
Thanks for listening.
Mimi of 4