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Hi Jane

It really helped me to read your post. We are both in a tough place. It is frustrating with a brother who just doesnt get it. I rarely hear from my brother. I sent an e-mail to his two kids and the other grandkids who are older suggesting to them call Nana and Papa once in a while. I told them days and days go by and it is only me they talk to. Only one grandchild called once. Isn't that the worse thing?

You said you thought I had it worse. I'm not so sure.I'd say we are both in a very tough place. I sigh sometimes wondering how did things get this way? My daughter has friends who Mother rarely have anything to do with their kids. Although it is hard on me at times I wouldn't give up that experience. But I do need to take care of me but I am not sure how just yet.

I am glad you can let your frustrations go here. I started to write an e-mail to my sister just now to let go of some frustrations and then said no so I cut what I wrote and will paste it below in this post. It really does help to let out the pain and frustration here. You are a stranger, yet I can tell you. I agree with the therapist thing. I did go to one for a year and a half after my beloved son, Jeff died. He helped me a lot. It is the most painful experience to go through. The only thing that could possible be a little worse is if your child was murdered. That additional burden is beyond me. There is no way for you to know the depth and breath of the pain of losing a child. There is no reference w/o experiencing it yourself. When my cousin's daughter died a few years ago. I knew it was bad but until I had it happen to me I had no clue how bad it is. It is so bad my work gave me two months off as disability. I tried to go back after a week and was blundering and crying. My co-worker said you are not ready. I took her advice. And to make a very long story short, I quit my six figure job last October. I had enough of a very bad situation. Had a psycho boss (who ws canned the week after I quit). Now it is July and I am coming around from being a major worker bee to just being able to go through and clean the house of clutter. It has taken me months to get to this point. Days on end I would just sit in my room and watch TV. Of course, I would talk to my parents, go help my daughter, take the grandkids somewhere and so on but I just took the time to zone out and heal.

Anyway, here is what I wrote my sister but decided against it. Why burden her???? Plus she really doesn't get it.

I came in from the garage working, its hot out there already. I had to get away from Dad, as well. He was obsessing about not being able to find something. He went on and on and on and on. Poor man, if he only knew how what he says affects other people. He hasn't a clue. It gets uncomfortable to be around him, at times. I've come to the realization that he doesn't care or have an interest what I think or feel. He never inquires, he just likes to tell you what he knows about world affairs or that what you are thinking is wrong. For example, today I said I was going to call the Salvation Army to see what time they are coming. He said they don't tell you that and went on about it for a while. I said they do b/c they told me so when I called for pickup. It doesn't really matter what the subject is it seems he will take the opposite position. It is pitiful and I have to think that his brain is shrinking or something which happens when you age. What is so sad is I would have probably not had this opinion of him had he not moved in with me. I accept it but it doesn't make you feel warm and fuzzy. I think that is why Mom is more and more to herself. They rarely talk.

Sometimes, when we are all together, Dad will start ribbing Mom and it makes her uncomfortable. He really thinks he is just teasing in a good nature way but it bothers her. I have to tell him not to pick on Mom. I say it in a fun loving way. Oh brother. it is sad.

On another note, I'm worried more about Mom, she has gained a lot of weight now. She is practically immobile, so to speak b/c, she doesn't do anything. She doest take care of herself like she use to do. Let's her hair go, no makeup, no attempt. It's discouraging. I try to encourage her and she says she knows. Says she will make a hair appointment later but doesn't. When her sister's husband died, she never even called her. I had to order the flowers and take of it. She may be depressed. I mean think about it. Living with a man whose only way to communicate is to tell YOU what he knows, for the most part. But with all that said, Dad is very helpful around here. Does more than his fair share for sure. For that I am thankful. He wouldn't hurt a flea but yet he does unknowingly. I always try to give him praise him in some fashion. You know, bolster the ego. Can't think of the last time he praised me for anything. Truly sad.

Jane, I'm sorry to hear about your sister. That's got to be hard. You and I are in such similar places. It is hard, it is painful, yet I want to rise above the pain and be a woman of grace. Let's pray for each other and vent here.

Have a good day.