Skip to main content

Reply to "New to this forum"

I do think my daughter is handling the loss of her brother in an unhealthy way. The stress she has been under was made more complicated b/c her pregnancy was very risky, the twins had Twin-to-Twin Tranfusion Syndrome, and the docs gave her 50/50 change of having a good outcome. Every week for months she would have to go to the doctor for heart monitoring tests for the twins. Then she had a very bad asthma attack and was put in the hospital, it didn't get much better and they had to deliver the babies. Then 10 days later, she gets a blood clot and had to be re-hospitalized. Then 4 weeks later her brother passes away from a pulmonary embolism (blood clot). We were all walking zombies. My dad said no one would believe any of this b/c it was one thing after another for a long time.

Anyway, now it has been two years later and I see my daughter putting most of her energy into her job. She worked long hours, and seems to have very little to give to her kids and her husband. I've told her she has changed so much but is just goes in one ear and out the other. I have suggested to her to go get counselling. I would have assumed she would appreciate the value of spending time with her family since she lost her only sibling but it seems just the opposite happened. I just don't get it. Now, in her defense she does have a very hectic and demanding job. I told her the other day that she can't realize how much stress she is under and wouldn't understand it unless she stopped working and looked back 6 months later. She agreed. Oh, I need to help her but don't know what I should or can do. At times, I feel as if I've lost my only remaining child. I am worried. This situation is the last thing I thought I would be dealing with after the loss of my son. This week, for example, I took two of her kids to the doctor (on different days). Each trip took nearly 4 hours because of wait time and going to pharmacy and wait time there. Two copays and 5 rxs cost me $100. I have a limited amount of money and no offer to pay me back.

I find I spend a lot, and I mean a lot, of my free time in my bedroom. I've lost the free use of my home b/c my parents live with me. I don't have the luxury of just laying on my couch in my family room and just watching tv. I use to love to do this b/c my couch is so comfie. But I can't do that now b/c I don't have that kind of privacy anymore. I remember telling my physician that my parents were wanting to move in with me. She said No, absoutely, no. Have them move into their own place (problem was they are broke). I was weak when they said they were moving down. It seems my Dad is totally out of touch with the fact that their move would result in me giving up my personal space and life. I am either taking care of grandkids, staying in my bedroom or spending time with my parents. My other siblings call once in a while and that's about all they give. I am disappointed my parents don't seem to mind that I've lost all my privacy. Since my kids left home I've only had a few short years to enjoy living by myself. At one time or another, both my son, daughter have moved back in with me and now parents.

I remember years and years ago my mother said she never wanted to live with her kids, she never wanted to become a burden to them. My parents aren't really a burden, but their presence here in my home robs me from a life as a single woman. I think what really bothers me is the fact that my Dad doesn't have any regard for my personal life and space. It never even occurs to him. Now, it is my fault I didn't have the strength to put a stop to it and now I will have to live with it. I am disappointed my parents don't clean the two rooms they have. Their carpet is very dirty, everything is dusty.I will have to vacuum and shamphoo. My mom use to take care of herself by wearing makeup and fixing her hair. Now, she just lets her hair go, no makeup and she has gain a ton of weight. She looks very unkept. I have to tell her over and over again to get a hair appointment made. It just blows my mind.

I will be downsizing soon and we will be moving into a much smaller home. My parents will take over all the rooms downstairs and I will get two rooms upstairs. It will be even worse than it is now. I feel trapped, completely trapped, and I have no one I can talk to about the frustrations I feel from time to time. I can't talk to anyone in my family. So, I put on a happy face when I am around my parents (they haven't a clue how I really feel inside). I am a little cheerleader for my parents, my daughter and my grandkids. To add more stress, my parents make no attempt to find friends or entertainment. They only do things if I suggest it. They would never, on their own say, "We are going over to granddaughter's to see her kids". It's all up to me to take them. They are isolated, have no friends and are totally dependent on me for any entertainment. Days and days go by and the only human contact they have is me. It is stressful. Of course, it would never occur to my parents that this is a stress to me. I sent an e-mail to their older grandkids asking them to call them once in a while. One one did, once. The others are so self-absorbed, I guess. Again, this blows my mind. And to top it off, my Dad only lives his life through me. His round-robin letters to his cousins are all about me (more added stress).

And to cap things off, since my Dad lives his life through me, he is always telling me what to do. It is unbelievable. If I were to discuss with my parents something I am thinking about doing, my Dad will usualy say that what I am thinking is wrong and that his way is the way I should do it. I have gotten so frustrated with him. He doesn't seen to respect the fact I am a grown women who knows how to do things on my own. For example, we had a family reunion to attend. It coincided with me putting my home on the market. He said to me that I couldn't go to the reunion b/c of the home being for sale. I said your right I can't go (even though I thought he was wrong). Then a few days later he said well, if I didn't go none of us would go. I told him, he could go on his own and didn't have to stay because of me. No one went to the reunion. Another example, we went to get fast food, after getting the food, Dad proceeds to tell me how to drive to my daughter's home! I put my hand on his shoulder and said. Dad, I know how to get to my daughter's home. I live in this town and am not a visitor. His reactions was to get real animated and suprised. Like he was so shocked I would say this.

My parents always went to see my sister for two weeks every year, they also used to go see his siblings yearly. Well, guess what, they havent gone since they moved in with me three years ago. I get no break.

I hope you all don't mind if I use this board to vent all my frustrations. I have no ones else to talk to about these things. NO ONE. Remember, I am the cheerleader for my family. Problem is no one is a cheerleader for me.

Thanks for listening.