I can relate to some of what you are going through. The year 2001 changed my life completely also. My father (now 88) was injured in a home invasion which brought me home to live with him. In 2003, I almost lost him to cancer. It is unfair that crime has caused him to give up his independence. But, had I not been here, he would have died. A blessing in disguise, I guess.
But, do not be to hard on yourself. You made a decision during a difficult time to allow your parents to move in. My heart goes out to you losing a child...
You have gone through a lot during these past few years. It is good that you have come here to share. Your situation is really a tough one. Have you talked to your parents about other living arrangements?
Your daughter may be reacting to losing her brother in an unhealthy way. She might not know how to handle her loss and is running away from family commitments through work. I gather he was her only sibling?
You are sandwiched between parents and caregiving for your grandchildren. It makes it hard to find time for yourself. In my situation, my son moved to Louisiana with my sister after the home invasion. That was the worst decision I made during a time of crisis. She was abusive to him. He is back with me now and finally getting back to his old self. I have had to make the adjustment from treating him as a child to treating him as an adult. It has helped!
Please be kind to yourself first and foremost. I know that for myself, I am trying to gain an understanding of family dynamics and am learning to stand up for myself as a result of adversity. Care-giving has driven me to counseling! Another blessing in disguise...
Take Care, Glenda