Skip to main content

Reply to "Hello All"

Hello Frankie

Welcome to our safe corner of cyber space!

First off deciding to place your loved one into a frail care facility is a very difficult decision, its emotionally draining to say the least. When the care recipient is not willing to go or stay - that makes it 100 times worse.

I had to make that decision in Oct 2008, and its taken over a year for things to finally settle down and my mother to accept her 'new home'. She was VERY anti to it and took out her anger, frustration and fear on me. She blamed me completely for 'leaving her there to rot'. Whereas the real reason was because I couldnt' take care of her by myself anymore. My mother has MS and is severly limited in her mobility, even knowing this she would demand to go home as she doesn't need to be there. If it wasn't anger it was floods of tears. Whenever a friend would come visit she would near drown them in her tears begging to go back home, making them very uncomfortable (never mind me - I would often need to walk out the room, because I couldnt' stand it anymore)

The good news is my mother's attitude toward the place has improved quite a bit since then, she likes having nurses on call all the time now. She doesn't have to struggle and get out of breathe getting into bed with only my help, now she has two or three nurses helping her into bed. There is a definite hope that your mother's attitude toward the place will also improve with time, but even if it doesn't - you need to strengthen yourself that you have made the best and most loving decision for her. If you feel at fault - then her accusions will hurt all the more. I had to learn to forgive myself 'for failing' before I could get mentally 'healthy' about the decision. My husband played a large part in convincing and showing me that I did not fail my mother, in fact I loved her a great deal and because I love her I do all I can for her that is humanly possible. The first and prime reason for placing our loved ones is for THEIR welfare. If we were super woman (or maybe three of them!) we could take care of them at home and not be beyond exhaustion and near breakdown, but since we are not we have to make sure they will properly be taken care of.

I think that one of the most difficult things to accept is 'losing' the mother we had. Your mother's dementia makes things extremely difficult to keep connected with her. My mother's MS often affects her cognitive functions. Meaning that at times she is somewhere else and no matter what you say you can't get her back on topic. There are times I really miss my mother. I still think of her in a certain way, and when I go visit the total difference in her disposition and attitude still upsets me. Even though I have to recognise the real changes in her I still prefer to think of her in my rosy glasses way....

Please keep us posted on how the visits go... being able to vent the hurt feelings really helps!