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Reply to "For FallenAngel..."

Hi Gail, Hi Vic, and others here, well to all. Sorry I been so incommunicado lately, but must be ESP, or something cause for some reason I went to check this morning and found yur posts. How wonderful, what a terrific feeling to know that others think of you here even when you been away. That really warmed my heart.

On the one hand I feel I really don't have anything to complain about what with and compared to all you kind souls are dealing with on a daily basis. Then again, I feel so darn cursed at times, I ask myself a lot, am I a bad person, an unkind person, inconsiderate, or even evil? It's not that I can't do anything right, but that I so often say the wrong things or don't say them where they are interpretated correctly. I seem to piss others off at the most critical times. Yes, I got a rough edge, when you been a barmaid as long as I have it comes with the territory, and serving people is like the acting profession in a way, your face says one thing while mumbling things under your breath as you're walking away from them.

I can deal with bad luck from time to time, but not attacks on my very character. I always have felt my intentions and heart have been in the right place and yet somehow I can get accused of selfishness just because I want some alone time. I feel like a waitress on call all the time, 24 hours a day even when I am not on the clock! How tiring and after a while you start dropping the plates down on the tables and spilling glasses of water and coffee over the patrons, if only verbally.

Ok, here's what is going on in my life. My kids are doing fine, thank God. I make everything into a joke for them, yes, the bad stuff too, and that is the main thing with them, they can put up with everything as long as you show them a humorous attitude, the humor lets them know we will get through this. My new tactic seems to be working. We can always laugh if nothing else and it's fun to laugh with one's children.

Job wise, two part times now, one waitressing, and the other part time one is working a cash register in a small magazine store during morning hours, zzzzzzzzzzz and brrrrrrrrrrr. Gives me a chance to browse through magazines myself at the counter. It gets hectic at times, adolescnets trying to sneak back to where the dirty magazines are, so have to keep an eye on that, but basically get a lot of browsers leaving behind dog-eared magazines, but thankfully most are in plastic wrap with one open for browsing, though you would be surprised how many patrons tear the plastic off too, but still from what I observe, a lucrative business. So one job is laid back most the time, and the other one pretty hectic as any waitress will tell you. I don't plan to make a career of either one, and I swear most people are really nice, but it just takes one #$@ hole to ruin my day and usually there is always one per-day, but it's nice to be working in the public arena again.

Next on my to do list, find housing, go from these jobs to a career and that means some education or training, and also I feel a spiritual void, but I don't know how to fill it. I would like to think trying to be a good parent is my way of serving God. Being with my children is my church, that is where life feels the most holy and sacred.

I think I know what you mean Gail about having to hit bottom before you can rise. I think I must be made out of rubber cause it was only when I hit bottom that I seemed to be able to bounce back up though I am still far from the surface.

I sure like reading here, so much caring and support and acceptance. I don't really have a rant, cause right now I am so darn grateful to be working again. I am like a fish out of water when I am out of a job.

I do have other fears like getting involved with someone again. However; I hope this doesn't sound strange, but I feel married to my kids, at least for the foreseeable future. I was a compulsive gambler when it came to men and well you know a women always seems to have the odds stacked against her and with my precious kids with me I don't feel like gambling no more, but I will still keep my eyes open in case I see a diamond flashing in the pile of masculine coal. Of course, I do miss the warmth that coal can bring on cold lonely nights, but it also can get you awfully dirty handling it and I don't want that to rub off on my angel children.

I guess that it is for now. My trials aren't like what you gals got to go through, and I guess it's all down the road for all of us sooner or later and I am glad to be learning about it ahead of time for when I get there with my folks, though I know I am that now with a specially challenged child that will probably be able to leave the nest but maybe not too far from the tree.

Know you are all so precious, so special, and I guess it takes irritation for an osyster to make a pearl, and you are all a string of pearls to me and thank you so much for keeping me in mind and heart. I know this is a cliche, but I don't mean it as one, but you are all in my prayers.

FallenAngel but still an angel I hope.