Hi Zone35, welcome.
I can see you are in a difficult situation. However, you are amongst the living. I believe we all need companionship of our own capacity. I simply believe that we all deserve happiness in the short time we are here. I think listening to your heart and knowing all you have done and are doing, shows your compassion. I knew a woman in a similar situation, and she ended up marrying the gentleman after her husband passed. Wishiing you the best.