I am really worried about my dad now cause he is soooo upset.... He has really been crying for my mom. I feel bad for him but i don't know what I can do for him. We got him to hospice and to a grief support group yesterday. I just wish he would feel better. I try to keep him as busy as I can. I can't grieve cause I have to stay soo strong for him. If I start crying in front of him then he starts balling. I don't like to see him hurt so much in life. He is a good guy. I miss mom a lot right now. I just don't feel that my life is going to be the same ever again. I did everything I could for her but I still feel like I didn't do enough for her at times. When she first got really bad in 98 my sister called me on the phone and said we have to go to Ohio. I was like no I am in the middle of my classes in college I can't do that. She then told me that my mom might die. I said how is that going to happen? Nobody ever told me that mom had the heart surgery, she almost died three times on the operating table. I never talked to her before that surgery. I really felt like my sister did me wrong by trying to hide it from me. I always think how would I feel if I didn't say goodbye to my mom at the time. That really would have been screwed up for me. I don't think I could have ever forgiven her for that. I still carry anger at my sister for that alone. I wonder how she would have felt I kept my sister safe by not telling her. But she never got to talk to mom after that surgery. I think I would have been really emotionally scarred from that. I was young at the time when that was going on. It was so hush hush on me that we don't want to upset Shannon. They say I can't handle a lot, but dang my mom on the operating table could have died. That would have been horrible. I don't think I could have stayed in contact with any of my family if my mom did die at that time. I think I am still hurt from that. It brings tears to my eyes. It really does how could a family do that to a person. I don't feel you should ever hide the possibility of death from any child, adult or anyone. We all have to go at one time or another.
I loved my mom I really did and still do.