I have been a real slump right now. I can't cry cause I have to stay strong for my dad. Then I just found out some stuff about my mom that I just can't believe. I can't talk about that just yet. I wonder at times since my birthday if my mom really did love me? I have been hurting so badly lately. I can't take the pain anymore. Why do I have to deal with this sadness and loss. I mean not even a month yet. I watched patch Adam's last night and I said maybe if he was one of her doctor's she would have been a little happier. I miss her oh so much right now. why oh why does this have to hurt so badly? I can't stand her not being here anymore. I used to talk with her about 30 times a day. I just sit here and wait to hear the phone ring and I want to say hi mom. I love you oh so much. Yes I was the baby of the family. I want her here with me at times. I hate that she missed my birthday. I was in the er about a weeka nd half ago with severe stomach pain on the right side, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, they did a cat scan to make sure it wasn't gall bladder or apeendicitis. Which I just ended up with bladder and kidney infection. When I didn't feel good mom always knew how to calm me down and soothe me. I was missing her comforting me that day. I didn't want to be in no er. I just thought of how many times mom ended up there for the different things. The last time was to pass on. my heart is broken and shattered into a million little pieces. Sometimes I wonder how am I supposed to live without her giving me the advice she did. I miss us watching movies together and reading and talking about our babies these akitas we had. We used to have an aquarium together. I just want it back the way it used to be with us. I can't watch certain movies cause of her. we both had our favorites, she liked antwan fisher, family stone, must love dogs, raising helen, dawn anna, from homeless to harvard. We used to always watch animal planet and Steve Irwin together. the croc hunter. dog the bounty hunter, forensic files,... I can't watch these shows anymore without thinking of her. I loved her oh so much.
I am sorry I am just rattling on and on so sorry.