Suggestions please

My Mom has had carconoid cancer for a couple of years. She was dx with end stage liver disease 3 weeks ago. Yep, she has lung cancer, and never smoked. Cirrohosis of the liver and never drank She was put under hospice 3 weeks ago.

My problem is this. She is obsessing about her death and her funeral and it's breaking my heart. I can't not imagine life without her I personally think it's because for once in her life she is feeling like she has very little control over anything.

Her will is in order and her funeral is planned right down to what undies she wants to be buried in. I told her a couple of weeks ago that after she finished planning everything please lets just put it up and enjoy living for what ever time she has left.Apparently she didn't get this because she is still obsessing about it and it's just killing me. I know that she needs to talk about it, but I jut can't listen all the time. She does have some dimentia (sp?) and it could be that too. I talked with the hospice workers and they felt like she needed to talk about it. She can see that it upsets me. Any suggestions? Please?
Original Post
Kim,
Dear heavens, how horrible for you! It is too hard to hear your parent talk about their death, no one should have to deal with that but it seems your Mom is "stuck" on this thought and yes dementia could be why it is going round and round in her mind.

Is there not anyone that can talk to her with the Hospice services? Are you taking avantage of their "Grief Counseling"? Through the counseling services that Hospice provides their could be some answers on this, maybe. Surely, with all the death that Hospice has to deal with on a daily basis they have also someone that can talk to the patient to help ease their minds about their own death?
Hospice is just now coming out to help us with my own mother and I have not dealt with them on the level that you are dealing but I assume this kind of thing is part of what they would have some answers for.
I hope you find some relief and I will say a prayer for peace for you and your mom.

God bless,
Treese
Hello Kim,

I realize that it is difficult for you to hear your mom speaking as she is. While you are so emotionally attached and wanting her to be fully present with you, she is really facing reality and taking responsibility for completing her business..

In reading posts from other caregivers, you will find that most are wishing that their loved ones would help in making these decisions wwithout the burden resting on the caregiver.. so as the saying goes, the grass looks greener on the other side.. but your mother is needing support to make these decisions.. if she has a slight dementia, this can compound it.. and the truth is that if she has this dementia, she may not be capable of comprehending your needs. she may seem fully present in any given moment but it it is dementia then her short term memory is not in tact and she won't remember anything within a certain period of lapsed time..

I encourage you to keep reaching out here for support and ask Hospice to provide you with some counseling so that you can better cope with the situation as well. we are here for you here and they will be as well.

I pray you will understand what I am saying .. just love her unconditionally and know that she is doing the very best that she can to make things easier.. perhaps when her mother or father were dying, they didn't take the responsibility and she was left to make all the decisions.. there are a lot of dynamics taking place here..

Allow yourself to just nurture you as well during this time period.. and keep us posted.

richest blessings in all you are doing

gail
Dear Kim,

I'm sorry to hear you and your mother are having to go through this ordeal. She is so very lucky to have you there to help her at this time.

The only suggestion I can think of, if it's dimentia causing her to obsess, compile a checklist of all the issues that you can run down with her. Have the clothes handy to show her and that she can touch ... it may be a comfort. She may actually be forgetting that all these details have already been decided. Once you have run through the list with her, change the subject to pleasant memories or talking about whatever seems to interest her. Be prepared to do this over and over.

My mother is in a nursing home and only has mild dementia. Her roommate, on the other hand, remains in an almost constant state of agitation. I spend a lot of my visits, reassuring the roommate about various issues. Her husband left a "memory book" with her that seems to be a comfort and distraction.

Hope this helps a little.

Hugs,
Barb
Hi Kim:

I know this is a difficult time for both you and your mother. When my father was put on hospice unexpectedly, I was a wreck and suddenly forced to face the realities! It is a good thing that you and your mother have everything planned out.

So, I know how difficult it is to address the subject of end-of-life issues. There is a lot of grief associated with losing a loved one even beforehand. One thing that helped me was to explore the subject of afterlife. There is an excellent book entitled: "You Have Chosen to Remember" by James Blanchard Cisneros which I have found very comforting.

Also, here is a link to a website that I found to help understand the process that takes place:
http://www.unification.org/ucbooks/afterlife.html

I hope these are of help to you and your beloved mother. I have found that it is true that knowledge is power... Take care and know that our prayers are with you.

Love and Hugs from Glenda
Oh thank you so much for not thinking I am a ungrateful and selfcentered daughter. You all have given me some great suggestions and I will try every last one of them. I cried when I read them. It's so hard and I want her to be at peace and not worry so much about the details. She always has been a planner Angain, I truely appreciate all the wonderful suggestions.

Kim

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